Linda Hagen MS ATR-BC

Lees Psychological Services

Physical, verbal and emotional violence in the home has profound effects on children of all ages.  Recent studies reveal evidence that violence against a pregnant woman can have an effect on the unborn child she carries.  

Parents and society in general may minimize or often do not understand what an impact abuse has on their children, regardless whether the children are abused themselves.  Witnessing abuse at any age can result in psychological trauma.

The following are just a few facts from The National Women’s Abuse Project relating to the effects on children witnessing domestic violence:

**Children from violent homes have higher risks of alcohol/drug abuse and juvenile delinquency;

**Approximately 90% of children are aware of the violence directed at their mother;

**Children in homes where domestic violence occurs may experience cognitive or language problems, developmental delay, stress-related physical ailments (such as headaches, ulcers and rashes) and hearing and speech problems; and

**Boys who witness domestic violence are more likely to batter their female partners as adults than boys raised in non-violent homes. There is no evidence, however, that girls who witness their mothers’ abuse have a higher risk of being battered as adults.

Children who live with domestic violence may also have a difficult time relating to their peers.  In some cases where the battered mother is isolated, socializing has not been modeled at home.  It is not uncommon for children to feel guilty for having fun.  Many children don’t want to leave their battered mother alone.

Because children of violent homes live with such uncertainty, they may feel that life will continue to be unpredictable, and therefore, they worry about their future.  They may give up hope and decide it is not worthwhile to set goals or learn self-control.  If intervention does not occur, the feelings of anxiety, accountability, guilt, grief, and embarrassment these children experience will begin to take command of their lives.

It is important to understand that even with the most strident efforts to protect children from witnessing violence, the atmosphere in the home and the emotional pain is almost always transferred to the children who live there.

One of the most common feelings children have is guilt.  This may be surprising to many, however, children often feel there is or could have been something they themselves could do to stop the violence in the home.  They may hear an argument stem from financial problems, leading them to think that they are “costing too much money.  If it were not for me my parents would not fight.”  They may feel they need to be better behaved so as not to “set Dad off.”

Children may constantly worry about things like whether mom is safe at home, making it difficult to concentrate at school.  These children are often diagnosed as having learning disabilities when in reality they have difficulty concentrating.  Children often times become overprotective or take on the role of caretaker, always trying to create a “happy” home so that the dad does not get angry or the mom does not have more to worry about.

This responsibility may extend in time to all relationships; the thinking being that they are somehow always responsible for how others feel or act. This thought process creates behavior that makes an individual lose who they are as an individual, or causes them to create a life where their own happiness or needs are not significant. They may find themselves in abusive relationships as adults and spend an entire lifetime trying to rectify the life they grew up in, to “rewrite the ending,” so to speak.

It is my opinion that one of the most damaging feelings for children is fear, the feeling that nowhere is safe.  Growing up in a family where the parents continually argue and may be physically violent creates an atmosphere of never knowing what will happen next.  This type of fear and anxiety can lead to post traumatic stress disorder.  The anxiety caused by witnessing abuse may lead to eating disorders and abuse of drugs and alcohol which can serve as vehicles to escape the feelings of fear and abandonment as well as an intolerable home environment.

These are just a few of the feelings that children experience when growing up with domestic violence.  It is imperative that these children are listened to, that their feelings are understood and validated.  They need to know that what is happening within the family is not their fault.

Education is important to begin the understanding that violence is not and never is okay; that anger is normal but that there are unhealthy as well as healthy ways to express it. Anyone at any age can learn healthy ways of expressing normal anger. Children need to know that it is okay to talk about the fears they carry and to express the feelings they have about the sadness of not having a safe and secure home life.

They most often will need counseling to work through their feelings.  Find a therapist who is familiar with and has experience treating children that are living or have lived in a violent home.  These are sensitive, deep-seated and painful issues, but left untreated or minimized, will only lead to a life of depression, low self esteem, addictions and a feeling of never being safe, even safe within oneself.