Latest Articles

The Art of Remembrance

Linda Hagen MS ATR-BC — 2009-12-10T15:37:57-06:00

The Art of Remembrance
The use of creativity to process grief

It is imperative to recognize that there is no set time for recovery from the death of a loved one. Recovery is not an event, but a process that requires one’s attention and honoring. We live in a world that often times does not give proper focus to the grief process and in many cases decide to ignore the pain with the hope that time, diversion, and the busyness of life will evade the personal pain of loss.

The use of creativity in the grief process taps into the subconscious of an individual, allowing a different approach to the emptiness that one is left with after experiencing the death of a loved one. One of the hardest parts of the grief process is the unavoidable time after the funeral once the cards and flowers have been put away. The world seems to go on as usual, but not for you. There is a feeling of wanting time to stand still, of secretly not wanting others to go about their daily routines and seemingly to forget the person who is no longer a physical presence in your life. It is important to understand that this feeling is normal and to remember that although death has taken the physical presence of someone you love, the differences they made in your life and the connection you had will always endure.

This connectedness is witnessed in your surroundings and the memories that have been left with you. The art of remembrance is a palpable way of expressing those memories. Take time alone to let these healing memories emerge while letting go of any judgment your inner critic may hold as to what may be right or wrong. Everyone is creative and often drawn to certain mediums to work with. Art encompasses limitless areas of pursuit; give yourself time to feel your personal way to honor memories that keep your loved one connected to you.

The following photograph is an image of a created altar that is one example of how a daughter honored the spirit of a mother who was lost to cancer. This altar was created, arranged and placed on a weaving that was originally made by the mother. Special stones, coffee cup, photograph, and candle were placed on the woven piece and set in a dedicated area of the home to keep the memories and person close. The doll was created to represent her spirit and had charms sewn on that spoke of wisdom and creativity. She was of Norwegian descent so the doll was wrapped in furs. A special prayer was sewn inside the doll with a very personal message between mother and daughter.

Being able to light a candle or spend time with the altar offers healing to this daughter through the strength of connection and a set aside time of remembrance.

By: Linda Hagen MS A.T.R.–LBC
Art Psychotherapist
Lees Psychological Services, Wauwatosa, WI
1-414-774-6898

www.heartandmindmatters.com

Treating Trauma Conditions in Veterans

Linda Hagen MS ATR-BC — 2009-12-10T15:09:18-06:00

Our country’s veterans often return from war with psychological conditions that may render them unable to fully rejoin the life they left as civilians. One of the most common issues that may arise when a male or female soldier returns from combat is the misunderstanding by their friends and family that they are the same person that went into battle. That they may have witnessed atrocities or death can leave internal scars that are deep and incomprehensible to civilians back at home. The returning soldier may be treated like a hero, but underneath they often have confused feelings of why they were in a war in the first place. Many suffer haunting memories of their service in a war-torn country. The return home often feels surreal and what should feel familiar now feels foreign and uncomfortable.

Soldiers are taught to shoot, but are not prepared to deal with the emotions that can come after they pull the trigger. Military service members should be prepared by their commanders before they go into combat for what they might have to deal with, but many are not. Rarely are they given the coping tools to address their emotions. Even if given some basic education to recognize symptoms in themselves or other soldiers, they will very often need to seek professional counseling when returning from a theater of war.

Often, there are not enough words to even start to express what it is like to experience war and death. For combat veterans, art therapy as a form of psychotherapy provides a way to more easily express the trauma that may not be verbally communicable. Being able to capture these feelings through expression in any number of artistic forms helps to metaphorically step away from imbedded trauma and reflect upon the meaning of the artwork. This can provide insight into inner turmoil or emotional discomfort.

Returning veterans often suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder -- what was commonly referred to in World War II as “shell shock.” Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) afflicts approximately 20 percent of returning vets, a number documented by the Veterans Administration. The Veterans Administration also estimates about 18 war veterans commit suicide each day. That translates into 6,500 suicides each year. These are men and women who have risked their lives in service to the military and receive little, if any, psychological help when their service is done.

The symptoms of PTSD can be very debilitating to daily functioning. The following are classic symptoms and are divided into three separate clusters:

Re-Experiencing Symptoms

Frequently having upsetting thoughts or memories about a traumatic event
Having recurrent nightmares
Acting or feeling as though the traumatic event were happening again, also known as a flashback
Having very strong feelings of distress when reminded of the traumatic event
Being physically responsive, such as experiencing a surge in your heart rate or sweating, when reminded of a distressing event

Avoidance Symptoms

Making an effort to avoid thoughts, feelings, or conversations about a traumatic event
Making an effort to avoid places or people that also remind you of a traumatic event
A loss of interest in important, once positive activities
Feeling distant from others
Difficulty having positive feelings, such as happiness or love
Feeling as though your life may be cut short

Hyperarousal Symptoms

Having a difficult time falling or staying asleep
Feeling more irritable or having outbursts of anger
Having difficulty concentrating
Feeling constantly “on guard” or like danger is lurking around every corner
Being “jumpy” or easily startled

To be diagnosed with PTSD, a person does not need to have all the symptoms listed above. To have a diagnosis of PTSD you only need a certain number of symptoms from each cluster. Experiencing only a few of these symptoms may leave an individual isolated, controlling his emotions with drugs or alcohol, unable to function at a job, angry with authority, unable to find, keep or trust a relationship and often riddled with excessive and undue guilt from having lived through combat where others have died.

Most suicides occur after soldiers return home and find that life is not the same. Personal relationships, legal, financial and emotional issues account for most of the problems.

The emotional journey back is not an easy one. Art psychotherapy offers an individual expression to the memories that are haunting; the creative process can be the channel to let out painful memories that words have not been able to adequately express. The use of art with other therapies such as cognitive behavioral therapy can help identify and reframe negative thought processes. The creative process itself leads to gaining insight into ones’ strengths and self-worth; it also offers a gentle way to find a place of inner peace.

The first photograph included here is just one example of how the creative process helped one Vietnam veteran working with art as a therapeutic process to refocus his life in what he described as feeling lost when returning home.

“I was not the same person everyone wanted me to be”. He shared with me his love of the forest surrounding his house and beautiful wood grains in the different trees on his land. He began to collect different pieces of wood and learned to fashion bowls and vases. He eventually began building beautiful wooden rocking chairs that have become family heirlooms.

By using his creativity he found a way to calm the inner voices that often plagued him. The very act of woodworking became the meditative process that helped ease his anxiety. This art making outside of his sessions offered him a sense of purpose, while also providing relaxation. He would bring his work in to each session where we would then talk about the bowl being a holding place of sorts to put all the pain he carried --

“I found calm within myself in the wood grains and patterns. I never forgot the war, but I have learned to leave it behind me and find a peaceful place within myself again.”

The Broken Heart of Breaking Up

Linda Hagen MS ATR-BC — 2008-11-16T07:53:03-06:00

There is no easy divorce. Nor is there such a thing as a painless break up. It is inconsequential if you are the one initiating the divorce or have a spouse or companion who is ending a relationship. The feelings of loss and grief are normal reactions to an ending of an emotional contract, whether it be a marriage or a relationship. There is a period where you need to feel and express the pain and grief. Well-meaning advice may be given Just stay busy and the pain will subside. This advice, if followed, usually is nothing more than a wayward means of prolonging the pain sprung from loss that needs to be felt, processed and coped with.

The pain of a lost relationship is commonly referred to as an empty, lost feeling. The world is suddenly without joy and the direction feels like a long road traveled with no clear end in sight. Many times, the direction feels like no direction at all, rudderless and floundering.

One of the first reactions to healing often comes with the rumination on what went wrong; the continued review of conversations or events that led to the ending of what was thought to be a life-long commitment. This search sometimes tries to find a single, simple answer. But it is vital to remember that many components lead to a love lost, or a marriage that becomes too stressful to continue. It becomes imperative to let go of the need to find blame or finding a logical, singular reason why the relationship did not last. Here are a few suggestions to initiate the process of healing:

· Do not view your divorce or separation as a failure. The continued failed feelings may lead to bitter, angry emotions that can consume your days, leading to decreased self confidence. If you focus only on the failure, it becomes an endless way into the next day, and the next.

· Take time for yourself, surrounding yourself with positive friends or activities that remind you of the qualities of your life as an individual.

· Embrace your creative side. Remember the simple things that bring you joy, such as art, music, cooking, a hobby you had before the relationship began.

· Immerse yourself in nature. The beauty that surrounds us in nature often gets overlooked in the busyness of life; the sounds and life in nature can bring a renewed sense of wonder to the world around you.

· Take time to remember your life before you were married or involved in a long term relationship. That personality still exists and can be rediscovered with a sense of newness. That newness provides direction even in the everyday events of day to day living.

· Stay positive and focus on your personal strengths. It may be important to write them down as a reminder of who you are and of the positive characteristics you embody that have survived past losses in life.

· Be patient with yourself. There will be days that are painful and that is part of the process of letting go. Think of tears as cleansing the soul.

· Escape everyday schedules, do things out of the ordinary.

· Devote time to your physical self, with exercise, rest and nutrition.

· You may want to explore your spiritual life.

· Remember foremost to forgive yourself.

The healing of heart takes time. If you find yourself unable to move on and the emotional stress of the breakup is causing continued bouts of depression or if you are unable to function in day to day life, you may need to seek out professional help. Finding a therapist who can help you uncover those needed answers and that sense of self can be the first big step in the healing of a broken heart.

10 New Year's Resolutions for Parents

Laura E. Gray — 2008-01-27T12:20:54-06:00

1. BE PRESENT WHEN YOU'RE WITH YOUR KIDS

This may seem obvious, but in my practice, I see so many parents checking their voice mail and Blackberry while they're with their kids. More importantly, I hear from my clients (kids) how annoyed and ignored they feel when they ride in the car or try to talk to a parent ...and she's always on her cell phone. If our kids are as valuable as they should be, shut it off, give them your full attention and let them know they matter. If you give this message consistently, they are more likely to come to you when something is really bothering them.

2. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

This may seem obvious, but a stressed, irritable, overscheduled parent is not a healthy parent. Give yourself permission to get a sitter and go out with friends, go to the gym, go on a date with your spouse, read a book, or whatever gives you peace. I have had parents tell me they feel guilty leaving their kids. However, it is far more beneficial to you AND your kids for both of you to get a break. You'll be refreshed and ready to take on another day of whatever parenting deals you. It has been said countless times, but we are all better parents when we take care of ourselves first.

3. BE A GOOD ROLE MODEL

Always know that your children are watching you. They pay attention to what you say, what you DON'T say, your tone, how much you eat, drink or smoke, and on and on. No one is perfect, and we all say and do things we'd like to undo. Unfortunately, once it's out it's too late. On a positive note, your kids also pick up your good deeds and habits. Volunteering, politeness, kindness and engaging in a healthy lifestyle are all characteristics children tend to emulate. Statistics show that when teens are polled, they overwhelmingly cite their parents as the most influential people in their life.

4. DON'T BE THEIR BEST FRIEND

This is easier said than done. It's tempting and fun to buy things for your kids, share in their experiences and want to be the fun parent who lets them do what they want. This is usually not what they NEED. Kids need limits, structure and clear rules. In my practice, I commonly hear complaints from kids that their parents never stick to what they say or will take back the punishment way before it's up. I used to be shocked when I heard this, thinking kids were bluffing. I have learned they know their parents far better than I do and their prediction is usually right.

As a parent, it's hard to follow through on consequences when your child is whining, threatening or just being difficult. Remember, how you handle situations when they are young will pay off tremendously when they get older. If you teach them you are easy to manipulate and don't follow through, they will test you relentlessly. Teach them early on that you are the adult, and that means sometimes not liking you. It is my experience that parents fear rejection from their kids. Know that part of their growth is to reject you. It's painful, but it's normal. Be the parent they need you to be. It's your job.

5. PROMOTE INDEPENDENCE

This is another parenting strategy that tends to pay off if you start early. Trying to get a teenager to begin taking responsibility at 17 is far more difficult (and almost impossible) than guiding a 4 year old. Very young children can do simple things to help out the family (and community) which makes them feel proud, kind and promotes an overall sense of well-being. Ask them to put their dirty clothes in the laundry, set the table, clear their dishes, etc. as soon as they are able. Along this line, do NOT rescue your kids when they make mistakes. Natural consequences are part of life and I have far too many clients who have not been held accountable for their behavior. It makes for a very difficult transition to adulthood when one's parents have bailed them out repeatedly and the real world doesn't.

6. INTERVENE EARLY

By this I mean don't wait until they're teens to start setting limits on their rude behavior. Don't wait to take privileges away. Most of all, don't wait to talk to them. Ask them how things are going, what's going on at school, and how they're doing. If you do this early, kids grow to expect this is a normal part of your relationship. They will still challenge you when you invade their privacy, and you can learn to gauge when to push and when to back off. Remind yourself that love doesn't mean giving in to demands. Love looks like limits, consistency, and sometimes being the bad guy. Learn to get comfortable asking hard questions and checking in with your kids often. They need to know you care and sometimes they won't ask for help when they're in over their head.

7. DON'T EMBARRASS KIDS IN FRONT OF THEIR FRIENDS

This may seem so simple, but it's another issue frequently discussed in sessions I have with kids. They may do rude and disrespectful things toward you around their friends, sometimes in hopes of earning respect from them. It is far better to either pull them aside privately or talk with them when the friends are gone. When alone, ask them what they recall. Tell them (without guilting or yelling) how hurt you are to be treated like that. It is your responsibility to remind them it needs to be addressed, so don't just ignore it. If you do, you are teaching them its okay to treat you that way. If it happens repeatedly, don't hesitate to send the friend(s) home or give them a few days with no friend privileges. It may take time, but they will learn.

8. BEWARE OF THE OVERINDULGED CHILD

I could write an entire book on this issue (and people have!). As I said earlier, it is so tempting to give your child everything you never got, from material goods to trips to privileges to food. It is often suggested to give privileges to kids based on an inverted pyramid; start small and gradually add on as they demonstrate the ability to handle them. Also, pay attention to whose needs are getting met when you buy or say yes to your child. Does it make you feel better? Do you feel you're somehow fixing things you've done wrong by giving in to them?

We have an entire culture of overindulged children. They have ipods, gamesystems, cell phones, pagers and anything else they seem to want. Unfortunately, this population is lacking in motivation, empathy and a sense of well-being. I am not blaming parents, but suggesting we, as parents examine what we're teaching our children by indulging them. Often my clients complain they have no real reason to get up in the morning. This causes me to question if they had a sense of purpose, a drive that motivated them, perhaps they'd feel more fulfilled. Allow your children the opportunity to want for things, and they're more likely to develop motivation.

RESIST THE URGE TO OVERSCHEDULE

By this I mean, pay attention to how much of your child's time is scheduled with sports, music lessons, extracurricular activities, playdates, etc. The overscheduled child can be irritable, exhausted, unfocused and depressed when not allowed enough downtime. Children need time to learn to tolerate boredom, find ways to explore their creativity via drawing, playing, reading, changing their room or whatever they can do to entertain themselves beyond video. I often encourage parents to talk with their children about how much video time they have daily (this includes gameboy, playsystem, TV, computer, myspace, and any time in front of a screen). This is essentially passive entertainment, and there is some controversy regarding the addictive nature of video playing.

If kids are involved in sports or extracurriculars, talk with them about limiting the amount of time you're both willing to give up. Keep in mind an overscheduled child has an overscheduled parent, as you need to arrange for transportation. Decide as a family how much time is reasonable to spend away from the family. Traditions and rituals (like family meals) are essential to the growth and development of a child. A recent study revealed that children who eat at least four meals weekly with their family are at lower risk for depression, anxiety, drug or alcohol use and unplanned pregnancy.

PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR OWN DISCOMFORT

This resolution speaks to our tendency to avoid that which feels awkward to us. Talking to our kids about sexual activity, drug and alcohol use, bullying and any challenging topic is hard. The important thing is to recognize the discomfort in yourself and then practice, practice, practice. Learn to talk with empathy. Don't try to fix things for your kids. Most of the time, they just want someone to listen and validate. Don't overreact; give them the opportunity to explain their position before jumping to conclusions. Remind yourself that you were that age once and you can recall some of the humiliation and discomfort that comes with growing up. If you can put yourself back in that place, you will likely do just fine.

Death of an Angel: Art Therapy with Abuse Survivors

Linda Hagen MS ATR-BC — 2008-01-19T10:36:02-06:00

Implementing art in therapy with men or women who have been the victims of sexual violence reveals the pain, confusion and impact such violence creates. The impact of sexual abuse and/or assault wounds a person's spirit, creating a life of continuous confusion, self-reflection and self-devaluation.

The journey of self-discovery and emotional healing using art in therapy requires a path walked that as an art therapist I am honored to witness. The images that illustrate this article were created by a female client and are just a very few of the many created that document her journey, a precipitous trip of inner torment and discovery. For reasons of confidentiality the client will be referred to as Susan.

A dominant theme with so many survivors of sexual abuse is the confusion of feelings. The painful memories that become hidden secrets fester and build to a point where the emotional release of feelings through tears becomes a fear in itself. I have often heard the statement during a therapy session that "I am afraid if I begin to cry I may never be able to stop."

The first drawing (Image One) reflects the daunting task of keeping painful emotions in control. In this image a single tear spills down an expressionless face. There is a haunting quality and a feeling of isolation. Done in shades of blue and pencil, its starkness defines the controlled emotions that parallel a lifetime of secrets.

By creating this image Susan was able to begin to metaphorically step outside herself and view the silent torment of suppressed emotions that she had been holding on to. It was an important beginning, one that may seem trivial at first glance, but to a survivor of sexual violence, it becomes an important step in learning to have and own one's authentic feelings rather than "deciding what to feel".

Letting go

Susan continued to create several self portraits depicting the feelings of being overwhelmed with pent up emotions and the isolated existence this creates. In Image Two, Susan's watercolor painting depicts a small child living in a fog-like existence. She described her image as one of being always alone, even among family or friends. The depth of this emptiness and feeling of being detached or flawed can never really be understood by others that have not been hurt by sexual violence.

The feelings of worthlessness left her feeling helpless, hopeless and lonely. The image has a weight to it. We explored the feelings of shame that sexual violence creates and the weight that a sexual violence survivor endures. She seems to be sinking beneath the floating colors and again the images are created in a sea of blues. We discussed the feeling of moving through life as if pushing against a fog, a fog that never lifts. I encouraged Susan to view the painting in another way. To consider the idea of emergence out of the fog, that through the mist she could find her path to self discovery and healing.

The Lost Girl

Susan's childhood sexual abuse created a world of inner torment that left her feeling flawed and shame-based. These shameful feelings developed into self-devaluating voices that continued to haunt her daily. The voices were her inner dialogue of low self-esteem that created a constant mental battle that felt as though the negative messages of self- devaluation would never be quieted. They felt trapped within her. These voices told her she was flawed, bad, and deserved this life of mental and emotional punishment she was enduring.

Images Three and Four depict her feelings about her inner world, the world that she could not explain in words. These images are so powerful that as stand alone art, outside of Susan's therapeutic journey, they can speak for themselves to any casual observer.

Inner Demons

Untitled

The images of expressionless faces in Image Three are floating and out of control. This out of control image was one that also was a metaphor for how she felt about feeling powerless in her own life. I asked Susan, "If your image would create a sound what would that sound be? "A droning persistent nagging, was her reply. Susan discussed how the voices were constant and always there to remind her of her nothingness and worthlessness.

These images reappeared in a drawing several weeks later (Image Four) and although they have the same haunting quality they are beginning to show expressions of change. We explored the metaphor of the image of the tree and its symbolic significance of growth and grounding. In many Native American myths the creation of the tree is a symbol of transformation. Susan was beginning to find her own voice, a voice to speak her authentic true self, changing the voices of shame and self-degradation. This is by no means an easy process, but this was a vital step forward.

In Image Five, Susan created another self-portrait. It is one of herself as a grown woman, but also within her, a second image of a small girl. The figure is blurred and out of focus, making it hard to distinguish which is the dominate part of the self. Perhaps at this point in Susan's journey of healing, she was both. There seemed to be a need to integrate the woman with the child to begin Susan's healing. So often the small child that has been hurt needs to be nurtured and acknowledged for the pain she carries. Susan began embracing this painful part of her, so integral in the healing process. She no longer worked to forget her or wished her not to exist. She was able to begin to embrace her painful inner child and the anger towards her perpetrators and through her art process and cognitive therapy, have these emotions validated.

The inner child

As Susan began to do more art images around this wounded child, her images changed dramatically and began to expound with vivid colors (Image Six). There also was a new image that began to enter all of her drawings and paintings; this was the figure of an angel.

Anger

Susan felt a great deal of suppressed anger and feelings that could not adequately be put into words. She explained the small embryo held within the image as representing the part of her unable to develop into who she truly was. The colors seem to move in chaos around the small suspended embryo, representative of a life out of control. Or was the embryo being protected from the chaos of the world around her, a sacred part of herself wanting to be kept in a deep hidden space

We also continued exploring what the angel figure represented, as it was a shape that appeared again and again. At times, Susan was unaware that she had painted it on her canvas. As her therapist, I knew that it was vital for Susan to understand the meaning held by the continued representation of the angel, and when she was emotionally ready she would be able to realize the significance of its presence.

In the months to come, Susan created multiple images that vividly spoke metaphorically of her pain and anger. As shown in Images Seven and Eight, she continued to express her inner torment with paintings rife with images of death and pain. Her images often had religious overtones, images of disconnections, stairways leading into the unknown.

Continuously, the image of an angel reappeared within most all of her paintings or drawings. At this time a dark shadow first appeared, as seen in the right side of Image Seven. From this point on, the shadow image would present itself more and more throughout her work. The shadow frightened her, but also confused her in its continued appearance. We explored the possibility of it representation; was it the perpetrator, the shame that loomed around her? Or was it the shadow parts of the self that she had buried deep within, a darkness that she could not let surface or could not yet understand or speak to at this juncture in her therapy?

Untitled

The image of the shadow and the angel continued to be part of the many drawings and paintings that Susan would create during our therapy sessions, each with familiar themes of self-devaluation and destruction and what she gradually came to identify as the of loss of her spirit. It was after many such images that Susan came to the difficult understanding of what the violence of sexual abuse and assault had taken from her. It was a deeper wound that continued to invade her images.

We explored what the hanging angels in Image Nine could tell her of a deeper pain she was hiding.

Death of an Angel

This powerful image painted many months later would bring many deeper feelings into the forefront of what proved to be the most painful part of Susan's journey towards healing. The violence that she had endured through sexual assault and abuse had touched a much deeper part of her; it was a sacred place that had been pure and innocent, but was no longer. The shadow continued to lurk and wait while all around there are teardrops of blood.

This cathartic image let out all the deeper parts of Susan's inner world, the damage that sexual violence created and the inner turmoil and pain that Susan had never revealed, not even to herself. It was the death of an angel, and with great courage and insight she revealed to herself that the damaged angel was her soul and spirit, something that felt damaged and beyond repair. This deeper understanding of why she continued to feel flawed and isolated allowed Susan to view a part of her innermost self that, without the medium of art, she would never really have understood. This also allowed me, as a therapist, to understand a much deeper wound that sexual violence survivors carry; a wound that goes beyond what words can adequately express.

Susan's journey toward becoming her true self continues. It was during later sessions I was presented with this watercolor (Image Ten) as a gift.

Healing and Hope

The image spoke of a rebirth. A small child with colorful wings sits and faces the darkness. It was in this inner darkness and torment that, with great courage, Susan faced her fears and began to embrace her freedom and regain her purity of spirit. The child angel figure peers into the darkness watching feathers float down from above. Susan knew I collected feathers and view their symbolic meaning as freedom. If you look closer into the darkness, the entire sky is created and textured with feathers.

I continue to feel honored to be of witness to the inner pain that survivors of sexual violence carry. They continue to teach me of the fragility, but also the strength of spirit, and the courage it takes to regain and nourish the deepest parts of the soul.

How To Parent a Bully

Laura E. Gray — 2007-09-23T11:30:52-05:00

Weve all read about children who are victimized by bullies and harassed at school. We have also been bombarded by school violence in the media. But what about the child who is acting out by bullying? What do you do as a parent if this is your child?

With school starting, this is a great opportunity to educate yourself on this topic. As a therapist with over fifteen years of experience, I can offer ideas and ways to deal with this issue.

1. Intervene early.

This cannot be stated strongly enough. When you notice your toddler engaging in overly aggressive or bullying behavior, you need to intervene. Keep in mind that all toddlers are aggressive at times, as they do not have the verbal skills to tell you what theyre thinking. However, you can use these moments to teach them how to handle their frustrations better, even at that young age.

Respond simply: No. It hurts when you hit/bite/kick. Remove the child from the situation to distract them and consistently reinforce that aggression is unacceptable. Be mindful of your own behavior; yelling, threatening, cursing and any form of physical punishment are messages to your children that bullying works. If you need to, talk to someone you trust or to a professional about getting your own anger under control. Also, dont forget to remind them when they play well. Again, a simple Its good to see you sharing nice job is adequate. Prevention will go a long way when dealing with bullying.

2. Dont overreact and dont underreact.

This may seem confusing and vague, so let me explain. An overreaction is when your punishment is too severe for the behavior. For example, your 12 year old takes her sisters shirt without asking permission. A reasonable consequence would be to let her sister choose something of hers to wear for the day, do chores for her sister for a day, or lose a privilege for the day. Notice that the consequence is brief, appropriate and related to the behavior.

Parents sometimes pick random consequences that make no sense to the child and leave the child frustrated, resentful, and worse, they completely miss the point of the consequence! The idea is for the child to realize how the behavior impacted someone else and hopefully think twice before doing it again.

An overreaction to the same situation would be to take the ipod, TV and computer for a week. With this choice, you will have a child whining, begging, demanding and sneaking for an entire week. Further, it is your responsibility to monitor this consequence and this will become very difficult unless you have a completely open schedule and nothing else to do. You will likely become frustrated and give in to the whining, cutting short the consequence. THIS SENDS A VERY DANGEROUS MESSAGE -THAT YOU CAN BE MANIPULATED! You are far better with a brief consequence.

Most importantly, if it goes too long, the child loses the message regarding why they have the consequence at all. Any type of physical or threatening punishment is also an overreaction. This teaches your child that a) you can bully them, b) they should be afraid of you, and c) when they get bigger they can bully you or they can bully smaller, weaker kids at school. This is what we are trying to prevent.

An underreaction would be to simply admonish her, make her apologize to her sister, or do nothing. This is the easiest solution but not the best. By doing little or nothing, you are teaching your children a) you are not in control of the family, they are, b) you can be easily manipulated and are not to be taken seriously, c) they are too much work and its easier to ignore them, and d) you are not capable of setting and following through with a consequence.

If determining the right consequence seems confusing, call a parent you trust, a pediatrician, or seek out parenting literature. If your child seems extreme in his/her behavior or does not respond to appropriate consequences, it is best to seek a professional assessment.

3. Role model what you want to see in your kids.

This is another obvious statement but an often ignored one. Many parents I see in my practice are unaware of the impact that they have on their children. Simple things like phone conversations, comments about celebrities or family members, how parents talk to each other, and definitely how they talk to their children all convey messages about how to treat people.

Everyday we are role modeling to our children what we expect from them and how to treat people with respect. Pay attention to what you say when a driver cuts you off, a clerk is slow waiting on you, and anytime you find yourself putting someone down verbally. You are essentially giving your child permission to do the same to others. As crazy as this may seem, this is how bullying begins. All the children I have seen in my practice who struggle with bullying have this in common. They feel entitled to put others down, to tease and to take without permission. They do not only learn this only from parents; children will do what they see in their environment at home, school, in the media and in their peer groups.

4. Be aware of what your child is exposed to.

Although we cannot control the media, we CAN control what we allow our children to see. This includes TV, video games, internet access, game system games, DVDs, movies, commercials, magazines, and the countless bombardment of images our children have access to everyday. There is an abundance of research to support the reality that exposure to violence and bullying increases the likelihood our children will engage in this behavior at some point. We cannot prevent them from seeing everything, but we can LIMIT and set clear guidelines about what is acceptable. If you know when your son plays at a certain boys house he plays adult vides games, have them play at your house. Talk to your kids about why you made the decision you did and ask for his/her input. Remember, you are still the adult and you still have the final say.

5. Talk to your kids about their day.

This may seem like another no-brainer, but again, it is a frequent complaint from the kids I see in my practice. From preschool forward, make it a point to find out how their day went. What went wrong and what went right? Dont ask as soon as they get home, as they usually want a break from school. Find a calm, quiet time to ask, such as when riding in the car. This is when you are likely to learn they are being teased or feeling isolated from peers, two main reasons kids end up bullying.

Focus on feelings. Become comfortable asking your child That sounds frustrating; what was that like for you? Most kids who bully describe feeling isolated, ignored or teased repeatedly at school and eventually choose to lash out. If this is happening, find out more.

Above all, LISTEN TO YOUR CHILD. They may not want solutions or suggestions, so ask what they want you to do. If they do not know, dont drop the issue. Call the school, talk with teachers and staff who interact with your child. Find out what can be done to make school a better experience. Do they need a break from a certain child? Should playground time be monitored more closely? Should your child be switched to a different classroom? There are many options, but the earlier the intervention, the better.

6. Know when to seek professional help.

This is a difficult decision to make. If the school recommends it, you should follow through. It is often the case that the parent has known for some time the child needs help. It is possible your child does not need therapy, but you wont know until he/she is assessed. At the very least, your child will be given the opportunity to safely talk about his/her feelings and learn better coping skills. The family may also need to seek help to learn to adjust their anger or parenting styles.

I hope the suggestions addressed are helpful. In working with kids who bully, it is usually the case that they feel mistreated, unhappy and isolated from others. As a parent, it is your responsibility to help them get past that, whatever it takes.

Art Therapy and The Grief Process

Linda Hagen MS ATR-BC — 2007-09-22T08:44:19-05:00

In the night of death, hope sees a star, and listening love can hear the

Rustle of a wing.

Robert Ingersoll

Throughout time humankind has used creative expression to release the deep emotions associated with grief and loss. The pain that lies deep within one's heart strains to find words to express the loss associated with the death of a loved one. We live in a society that puts a time frame around the grief process and, often with these hastened expectations, unresolved issues of grief may lead to physical and emotional problems.

Art therapy offers an outlet to explore and reveal, through image and symbols, deep seated emotions that are often times suppressed when a loss has not adequately been mourned. Art allows the grieving person to view their grief process in a more personal way. Through the process of making art, an individual can explore their views of death and express feelings that can not be put into words. Symbols created in art can release these feelings without having to verbally detail the changes occurring in life when experiencing the death of a loved one.

Since art is non-verbal, it can work on many different levels and help one to explore their beliefs and feelings associated with death. Images that appear in art can create a starting point for further discussion of the normal feelings of isolation, guilt, confusion, emptiness and fear when death has happened in a family or to an individual. Art allows feelings to be processed at one's own pace and grief to progress with a sense of privacy. The process of creativity creates more time for reflection

and is something that can be revisited over time to better understand the grief process.

The experience of death can leave an individual with a feeling of being out of control and these feelings may lead to anxiety and depression. Making art can create a sense of removal from the grief; the transference of the pain into symbol or metaphor is a way of stepping away from it for a time and experiencing loss in a more controlled manner.

The making of art promotes a sense of healing. It can offer the memory of making art as a child and the simple joy of creating beauty with color and form. There is no right or wrong way to process loss and grief, however, it is imperative to find a quiet place emotionally where the process of grieving can take place. Making art with the direction and support of an experienced art therapist can help you find that place.

Five Ways to Creatively Journal

Linda Hagen MS ATR-BC — 2007-07-01T07:44:06-05:00

"The creative process is a powerful, transformative tool for healing our minds and our bodies, our relationships and our world. Each one of us carries this ancient medicine inside."

Kay Marie Potefield

We all think in images. Keeping a journal that focuses on symbols and images, as well as words, can open up endless possibilities of how we see and experience the world. It also can develop your own visual vocabulary. Discovering your visual vocabulary can tap into the inner wisdom that you hold. Journaling can be a valuable connector to your thoughts and feelings; it can bring needed answers to crisis and change or offer reflection on the day's events.

Reasons and Directives for Creating a Personal Visual Journal

Making images on a regular basis opens up many possibilities for understanding and expressing yourself. By making images several times a week (or daily) you may begin to see similarities in theme, colors or shapes.

You will also begin to develop your own visual vocabulary, your own unique way of working with materials and your own images, symbols and styles.

Give each image a title and remember to date the image. You may want to write a few thoughts regarding what you feel the drawing is communicating in relation to your life or events in your life.

Choose a sketchbook with good quality paper; one that will accept paint without falling apart. These sketchbooks can usually be found in most book stores and will have a much thicker grade of paper.

Find a quiet space to work where you won't be interrupted. You may want to have relaxing music playing while you create or light a candle. Make this time a sacred time that you can reflect upon your day and focus on your thoughts.

Keep in mind that there is no right or wrong way to create a visual journal. Trust yourself and your images to guide you in a needed direction.

Learn to recognize your own resistance. If you have trouble staying with the process and find other things to do rather than journal, then write or create an image about this resistance. Reflect on what keeps you from looking inward and why you may feel resistant to this process.

Create your visual journal with intention. Reflect on what thoughts or fears are most prominent within you. Was there an event during your day or from the past that needs to be looked at in a deeper way to find its meaning?

The following are five examples of different types of journals you can create using art and image.

Mandala Journal

Making a mandala means creating an image within a circle.

Using drawing materials you have selected create a circle freehand or use a plate or similar round object to trace a circle. Then fill in the circle any way you want using colors, lines and forms. You can go outside the lines and create any way in which you feel motivated. There is no right or wrong way to create a mandala.

After finishing your drawing you may want to write down any thoughts or feelings you have about your image or spontaneous thoughts that feel relevant.

Dream Image Journal

Keep a notebook by your bed and, in the morning, write down the dreams from the night prior. Create an image of these dreams each day and add your thoughts about the dreams. Question how the images relate to where you are in your life now. Do they hold any particular metaphor for issues you are dealing with at the present?

Feelings Journal

Each evening create an image of the feelings or emotions that relate to that particular day. This can release powerful emotions and also help to relax and reduce tension.

Spontaneous Art Journal

Do drawings daily -- whatever comes to mind. Ask yourself questions regarding your images:

If your image could talk, what would it say to you?

What don't you like about your drawing and why?

What do you like about your image?

What does your image want from you?

What colors, shapes, lines or images have you used to describe how you feel or what you need?

Collage Journal

Page through magazines and select pictures or words that attract you. Cut or tear them out and arrange them on a page in your journal. Do this for several days, reflecting on how these images and phrases relate to situations that need to be reflected upon in a deeper and or more meaningful way.

These are only a few of the many ways you can use the creative process to access the deeper parts of the self. Developing your own personal style of journaling may open up endless possibilities to your own personal journey. Your creativity will help you express experiences and feelings in a new, expanded way offering you insight into wisdom that is held within.

If you want to use journaling as a healing method but are having trouble getting started or understanding what your art means, art therapy is an excellent way to work through emotional struggles that are difficult to talk about. Symbols, patterns, forms and colors are thought to represent different types of issues, inner feelings and unconscious struggles that art therapy can help direct, uncover, interpret and resolve. If you have questions about this process, feel free to contact me at 414-774-6878 ext. 124.

Reference: Cathy A. Malchodi, The Art Therapy Sourcebook

Five Ways to Creatively Journal

Linda Hagen MS ATR-BC — 2007-07-01T07:44:06-05:00

The creative process is a powerful, transformative tool for healing our minds and our bodies, our relationships and our world. Each one of us carries this ancient medicine inside.

Kay Marie Potefield

Reasons and Directives for Creating a Personal Visual Journal

You will also begin to develop your own visual vocabulary, your own unique way of working with materials and your own images, symbols and styles.

Give each image a title and remember to date the image. You may want to write a few thoughts regarding what you feel the drawing is communicating in relation to your life or events in your life.

Choose a sketchbook with good quality paper; one that will accept paint without falling apart. These sketchbooks can usually be found in most book stores and will have a much thicker grade of paper.

Find a quiet space to work where you wont be interrupted. You may want to have relaxing music playing while you create or light a candle. Make this time a sacred time that you can reflect upon your day and focus on your thoughts.

Keep in mind that there is no right or wrong way to create a visual journal. Trust yourself and your images to guide you in a needed direction.

The following are five examples of different types of journals you can create using art and image.

Mandala Journal

Making a mandala means creating an image within a circle.

After finishing your drawing you may want to write down any thoughts or feelings you have about your image or spontaneous thoughts that feel relevant.

Dream Image Journal

Feelings Journal

Each evening create an image of the feelings or emotions that relate to that particular day. This can release powerful emotions and also help to relax and reduce tension.

Spontaneous Art Journal

Do drawings daily -- whatever comes to mind. Ask yourself questions regarding your images:

If your image could talk, what would it say to you?

What dont you like about your drawing and why?

What do you like about your image?

What does your image want from you?

What colors, shapes, lines or images have you used to describe how you feel or what you need?

Collage Journal

Reference: Cathy A. Malchodi, The Art Therapy Sourcebook

Parenting A Child With an Eating Disorder

Laura E. Gray — 2007-03-11T13:41:10-05:00

There are no easy solutions when trying to parent a child with an eating disorder. Unfortunately, therapists, physicians and other health care providers have no quick cures that will make dealing with your child's recovery a smooth process. However, there are strategies you can use to parent your eating disordered child or adolescent that can encourage recovery:

If your child is under age 18, take him/her for an assessment IMMEDIATELY. If you are suspicious of the behaviors and mood changes you are seeing, chances are he/she could benefit from treatment. At least you will know after the assessment that you have professional guidance regarding the level of treatment your child needs. Make sure the professional you see is an experienced eating disorders specialist with the credentials to back that up.

Do not worry about your child "hating" you. If you have begun to educate yourself about eating disorders, you may recognize it is the 'eating disorder voice' telling you that, not your child. Many parents tell us "I don't know who she is anymore," that their child has "disappeared". In some respects, this is true. Your healthy, confident child is now being directed by the inner voice of an eating disorder, forcing them to question everything they eat and do. If you try to interrupt that by asking him/her to eat, you will meet resistance. This is part of the process and why you need professional guidance about how to help your child in the best way possible.

After taking your child for an assessment, you should be getting literature and direction from the therapist about how to handle day-to-day situations, like mealtimes, whether exercise is appropriate, handling questions about being fat, etc. Feel free to ask questions, we are used to it and welcome it! We would far rather hear from you than have you feeling guilt-ridden that you said or did the wrong thing.

Do not make decisions for the family's eating based on your child's demands. He/she should not get to decide what the family eats, what restaurant you go to or where you vacation based on what the child will or won't eat. He/she is not capable of making healthy decisions; remember, it us usually the eating disorder making the choices for him/her.

Do not be afraid to confront what you are seeing. It is best to focus on specific behaviors, such as "You seem to be eating less at dinner" or "You don't go out with your friends like you used to." This is a nonjudgmental, non-threatening way to talk about your concerns. You may still meet resistance, but it is better to verbalize your concerns than it is to do nothing.

Avoid making comments about his/her size, body, shape or weight, even when asked. This is a NO WIN SITUATION. Therapists are often caught in this dilemma when asked by patients "Do I look fat?" We deal with this question by asking "How do you FEEL right now?" If you tell them it looks like they have lost weight, it is likely to be interpreted as a success, thus feeding into the eating disorder. If you tell them it looks like they have gained weight, even when they need to, it will be interpreted as failure.

Continue to show your child love and affection as you normally would. You don't love your child any less, so let him/her know that. Within reason, it is okay to express your frustration with the eating disorder and the behaviors, but reassure that you still love him/her.

Talk about issues other than food. Most of our patients complain that their parents only talk about food, and they have little identity beyond that of an eating disordered patient in their home. It is especially useful during eating times to talk about your job, your hobbies, how their day was, how school is going, etc.

Do not make statements like "Your eating disorder is ruining the whole family." You may feel this way, but it is best expressed in the privacy of a conversation with a friend or spouse. Your child has an illness; it is not helpful to berate him/her for this.

Do not make decisions out of fear the child will become worse, stop eating, or whatever the threat they make. You do not need to be held hostage by the disorder. Carry on, set limits and consequences as needed. Clear, kind and direct communication is what is needed. If your child chooses to indulge in further eating disorder behaviors, this is not because they were grounded for coming home late. Don't feel responsible for your child's choices. Eventually, he/she must learn to manage the disorder and recovery on his/her own. This requires learning to handle disappointment and consequences for behaviors.

Once your child is involved in therapy, get involved yourself. Attend groups, check the internet, get books and educate yourself on the disease process and how it impacts the family. Ask if family therapy is needed and get a referral. If you would benefit from individual therapy yourself (most parents would during this challenging and stressful time) make time for this.

Above all, take good care of yourself! You are no help to your child(ren) if you are exhausted, irritable, and unhealthy yourself. Make sure your get adequate rest, exercise, food and recreation in your life. It will make you much more capable to parent your child during the arduous recovery process.